The last year has been a lot of firsts for me, and a lot of lasts.
I finally kicked the habit of having a soda every single day and getting it down to how much carbonation I was having. I also finally started drinking coffee since caffeine is a thing that makes me a functioning adult and let’s me find ways to turn on my hyper focus.
But it really didn’t pick up speed until I realized that I couldn’t stay in Charleston through the year. I had to go to Nashville and that everything would work out because that was where the Lord was sending me. I still don’t really know what I’m doing here, but you know, I’m taking it one day at a time.
But it wasn’t until I decided hell or high water that I was getting to Nashville that things started to move.
Resolve is figuring out what you really want.
There are moments in the last year that I can tell you were a moment of genius and I really wasn’t behind it. But I can tell you that what I wanted was the driving force behind it. I have wanted for years to really write NANOWRIMO. And I decided at an almost too late date to decide. 10pm on November 1st which is the day that everything starts, by the way. And I didn’t really know that I was going to make it until the 30th when I burned out another 4000 word day after finishing up a full shift at work.
Resolve is the moment when you pick the fight snd you get in the ring and you decide that you’re going to win this one.
I have moments like that where I sit down and know that the words coming out of me will be right, even if I don’t know it at the time. I like the work that comes when I do that because half the time it’s on a deadline, and I’ve been working on my done is better than perfect.
But done isn’t good enough when it’s just perfunctory. It has to have heart behind it. It can’t just be an empty thing that I fill the check box that I got it done just because it needed doing.
It’s not dishes, it’s not laundry.
It’s writing. Which is both an art and a science. We just try to pretend it’s one or the other sometimes.
Resolve is doing what has to be done whether you like it or not
We start the new year with all these resolutions which come from the resolve, but how much of our hearts are fully in it, when it’s only a thing that the world tells us that we need to do. How much of it, if any, is the things that fill us with light when we really sit down and do them.
Every time I write I find a nugget of something that I like. I don’t have to like all the words that I burn out of my fingers, but I can try to find the thing that I want to carry into the next attempt into getting the ideas that are floating around in my head across without sounding condescending. Which is unfortunately a thing I do because I know enough to get myself into trouble. Also, I don’t understand why people don’t keep the information that they’re given. Why go looking for it a bunch of times? I don’t like having to re-research something because I feel like I collected enough the first time around, but obviously I didn’t, since I’m back looking for answers.
Resolve is the final act of getting out of your own way
The thing that I really want to take into the rest of my life, that I’m focusing on is getting the little things that do bring me joy done. I don’t want to put them off when I don’t have enough energy to actually do them. The last six months has taught me a lot about where I put things and get things done so that I don’t go back to bed and pretend that my problems aren’t staring me in the face.
But the worst part is knowing that I’m only in my own way. There are no more obstacles in my path at this point. I could really fight for some writing work, I could go looking for a different job that would let me do a lot more creative work and get paid more for it. But why won’t I do it?
Because I’m afraid of having more people call me names, when I don’t know something and screw up. I can’t do everything. I’m a fairly well rounded person but one dipshit customer calling me lazy sends me into a tailspin. It’s a trigger for me because someone who was never there called me that when I didn’t get the A in class for something that I couldn’t pay attention to. But this is also the same person who screamed that we didn’t have a learning disability in the family, so there was no way for me to get medication or help to figure out how to combat it.
I had to do my own research and a lot of trial and error to get where I am.
Which is really funny to think about in regards to this week.
Resolve is not a ‘one and done’ situation
You see, I decided that I wanted my desk by the natural light in my house, which meant moving my desk. Well in the process my computer charger decided to start zapping sounds when I plugged it in.
Guess who bought a new charger and had to wait two days for it to arrive?
In those two mornings, my sense of time was so whacked out because the playlist I have is played on my computer. And it wasn’t in the right order on my other device so I was all discombobulated about time. I made it to work on time I will say, and I made it to the other things on time, but I was earlier than my usual because of it. I hate sitting in traffic and leaving to be 30 minutes early means that I don’t have to sit and wait at lights.
But all of my time is scattered. There are things that didn’t get done, that usually get done. You know, like my gratitude log that helps me remember the good in and out of my life.
Also, it made me realize how many distractions I have running around on my computer and how much I relied on it for information when I need to know a detail about something.
It also makes typing a whole lot easier than trying to a post via texting type.
Of which I am not that fast at.
I could get faster, but I’d rather have a bigger screen.
But I like my new charger. It’s just like the old one that I bought in 2013.
There is a lot of talk and action about picking a word and letting it guide your year. That resolutions are for suckers, that you should be wary of them in the first place.
But I think it is about what we chose to focus on in our choices that gets us where we’re going.
I couldn’t kick the habit of having a soda every single day until I focused on having coffee (has caffeine which I needed, and not the carbonation which I didn’t need) and drinking 8 glasses of water a day. After that, I usually didn’t want a soda, that day or the next.
I stopped looking at a subtractive habit, and instead focused on bringing an additive habit into my life and that was where the success was. I’m also a rewards person, and punishments aren’t really a driver of my behaviour.
I like working because I get a paycheck. I show up on time because I get all my money I was promised for the hours I was scheduled, not less. It’s really not about getting fired, though that is a fear, which is not useful, because I’d really have to mess up to get fired
So what does your Resolve really look like?
When you look at the goals that you made for the coming year, do they have a lot of additive qualities to your life? Or are they about subtracting things?
I will say that subtracting poisonous people from your life is a worthy goal.
Subtracting other things from your life may not be as easy.
Where are your goals in your daily system? Are they all habits that you’re building into better ‘make your life better’ things? Or are they things that you think you want?
So where is your resolve and do you know what to do with it?
Take a minute to write it down and see what bubbles to the surface.